You know that feeling. You’re having a difficult conversation with someone, a client, a colleague, a family member, and you get that surge of adrenaline rising from the pit of your stomach. That power surge!
We all know that the best conversations are productive, collaborative, and non-judgemental but it’s really hard to stop yourself from reacting in the moment, allowing your emotions to take control and trying to prove your point.
Typically, we are more likely to have a power surge when:
- Our status is challenged – we like to feel important to others
- Our feeling of certainty is challenged – we want to feel certain about the future
- Our sense of autonomy is challenged – we want to feel in control
- Our sense of belonging is challenged – we want to feel safe
- Our sense of fairness is challenged – we want to feel that our interactions with other people are fair
Our primitive brain, the amygdala, is responsible for our emotions and is responsible for that power surge. It gets activated way before our prefrontal cortex, which is responsible for analytical thinking, kicks in. The brain hand model is fantastic for explaining this physiological response.
From an evolutionary point of view, this survival mechanism allowed us to react quickly. Fight or flight. However, it’s not so helpful when we’re having a difficult conversation because it can provoke an emotional response and prevent us from thinking productively.
Think about a previous conversation where you had an emotional response
What were you discussing? What did the other person say that might have caused you to respond that way? Did they challenge your status, your feeling of certainty, your sense of belonging etc?
Reflect on your response
What feeling or feelings did you have during the conversation? Was it anger, fear, anxiety, or something else?
What could you do differently next time to reach a better outcome?
Maybe you could hit the pause button? Slow down and take a breath to manage your immediate response. Perhaps you could name and discuss the emotions you are both feeling? Maybe you could bring things back round to the initial purpose of the meeting to focus the conversation? Look for one improvement you could make and commit to making it in the future.
Let’s face it, we’re humans, right? It’s hard to stay out of judgement. We make decisions about whether we can trust someone in nano seconds. We’re hard wired to make judgements. Our ancestors relied on this skill. It was a life saver.
The good news is that you can manage that power surge when you’re having a difficult conversation. You can prevent your power surge from becoming an emotional outburst. You can learn to stay out of judgement and manage the need to prove you’re right and the other person is wrong.
Once you identify that you’re having a power surge you’ll appreciate that the person you are talking to is likely to be having the same physiological response. Then you can LISTEN and take specific action to work towards a productive, collaborative and non-judgemental outcome.
Language. Check your verbal and non-verbal language. This includes active listening and mirroring during the conversation. Make sure your body language is open and positive and your tone is calm. Appraise yourself. How does it feel to be on the receiving end of me?
Interrogate your emotions. Reflect on the emotions you are bringing to the conversation and observe the response you are receiving. Your ability to observe and name, both your own and the other person’s emotions, is a positive step towards an empathetic response.
Story. What story is the critical voice inside your head creating? Are you fixating on your side of the story? Besides thinking about what you are feeling, make sure you know what they are thinking. What is the purpose of the conversation and what outcome you are both looking for.
Takes Two. It takes two. As the saying goes “one for sorrow two for joy”. There are always two sides of a story. Your goal should be to discover the other person’s story, without judgement! That’s when the magic happens. You don’t need to be right; you just need to get it right.
Everyone wins. Once you know what the other person is thinking and what their desired outcomes are, you can start looking for a win-win solution. Evaluate the options for reaching a win-win solution, together! A solution that everyone is happy with. Remember, one for sorrow, two for joy! A productive conversation is a collaborative conversation.
Next steps. Plan the next steps. What will you do, who will do it, when will you do it and how will it be done?
The concepts outlined in this article are contained within our Having difficult conversations training workshops and our Customer Service – Making a Difference training program. Contact us to start a conversation about upskilling your team.